I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
