I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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