so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he thought i was a dude.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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