New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
