I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
