is your mom at the bar?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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