While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Randomize
