She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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