Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
