I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
