did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize