Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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