My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
