And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize