I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
