What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
