the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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