put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
