i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
