i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
