I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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