I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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