somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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