Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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