Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
