I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
