Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize