Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
