Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
