I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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