First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
