People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm getting married
To pizza
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
