He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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