I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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