Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
