I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
