u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
