I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
