onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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