At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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