cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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