I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
