Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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