why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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