I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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