to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
