This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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