My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
being pregnant is like rehab
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
