I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
