It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
