I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
