when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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