so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
