He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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