fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
