What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
