Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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