we made out on top of his cat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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