So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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