About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
