She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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