Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
